Rant |

How To Go Viral

August 27, 2012 By Alison

Want to be Internet famous?

Want to be talked about by people on Twitter?

Want to have your stuff shared on Facebook?

Want to have so much traffic to your blog/ website that it crashes?

Want to generate so many comments, you give up trying to read them all?

Easy. Just do one or all of the following.

1. Write about *breastfeeding versus formula feeding. Don’t worry about writing intelligently, or with facts to back up your statements. Bonus: write like you’re a cold-hearted, snobbish bitch.

Breastfeeding versus formula feeding? Meh. That's so 2011.

2. Write about leaving your newborn behind so you can *go swan around in Mexico. Bonus: write like you are a cold-hearted, snobbish bitch.

3. Write any drivel to fuel the so-called Mommy Wars. Take your pick – sleep training, attachment parenting, blah blah blah.

4. Post a video of your child doing something stupid/ shocking. The more it shows off your terrible parenting skills, the better.

5. Criticize someone else’s parenting decisions. Don’t back up your blanket statements with facts. Or do, by referencing some vague study and interpret the results any way you see fit and be blatantly wrong anyway.

OR. You could do these things instead.

1. Be super duper awesome with a great sense of humor and disarming honesty, and always write like YOU.

2. Have really mad drawing skills and the ability to tell a good story.

3. Write any post about blogging and how to make money from it.

4. Write any post about blogging about how to improve your blog, or ask why people don’t comment anymore, or about how blogging has saved your life.

5. Write a post list of ‘How To <fill in blank>.

Voila!

Thank me later.

(This post was partly inspired by a tweet by Julie (@TheMamaMash) and the conversation that followed it.

Julie tweeted: I’m all for being realistic about parenting, but it seems like some blogs are getting dangerously close to glorifying truly shitty parents.” (yeah I couldn’t figure out how to cut and paste the actual tweet, stupid Mac).

* I appreciate the irony of giving you links to such drivel, to drive even more traffic to what I consider to be badly written, terribly judgmental posts. But, you’ll ask anyway, so this saves me emailing it to you later. I’m all about efficiency. Also? Read the comments on the posts. They’re BETTER than the original post.

** Before I get angry comments, note that this post was written with a heavy dose of sarcasm.

Any more tips on how to get your blog to go viral?

Filed Under: Blogging, Humor, Rant Tagged With: Don't take this seriously

This Body

May 25, 2012 By Alison

My hair is glossy black, the white, very visible.

My eyebrows, non-existent as usual, needing a little help with brow pencil.

My eyes, tired, the bags underneath, needing their own zip code.

My nose, a little red, from overblowing.

My lips and mouth, a little dry.

My skin, looking a little blotchy.

My neck, an area much neglected.

My shoulders, aching.

My arms, somewhat flabby.

My breasts, not what they used to be.

My waist, not yet back from vacation.

My belly, floppy and resembles a flotation device.

My hips, hello, where did you come from?

My thighs, still too large to fit into my old pants.

My legs, my least favorite part of my body.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

“Chubby”.

Just a word.

Right?

It punched me in the gut.

A word uttered to me, perhaps said with good intentions. Perhaps not.

Nevertheless, it punched me in the gut.

I know, only a couple of weeks postpartum, of course I’ll be far from my pre-pregnancy body.

I KNOW this.

Yet, it punched me in the gut.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

A change of perspective is required.

My hair is glossy black, still thick from generous pregnancy hormones, not quite shedding yet as before.

My eyebrows, frame my eyes just right.

My eyes, see my boys, and see the love my firstborn has for the baby.

My nose, smells my newborn’s heady baby scent.

My lips and mouth, full of kisses for my children.

My skin, as of now, no pimples (can we say yay), trying not to look its age.

My neck, skin still smooth.

My shoulders, strong, and bearing the weight of motherhood well.

My arms, always full – full of toddler and baby goodness.

My breasts, full, full of nourishment for my baby.

My waist, who cares?

My belly, carrier of two miracles of life.

My hips, just the size they’re supposed to be, bearing the weight of two children when I hold them in my arms.

My thighs, where my baby lies, where my toddler sits.

My legs, carries this body where it needs to go.

This body? Has served me well.

This body? Carried and delivered two beautiful children.

This body? Though not perfect, is mine and is what it’s supposed to be right now.

What do you love about your body?

Filed Under: Motherhood, Rant

I’m An Angry Shopper

April 18, 2012 By Alison

Yes, yes I am.

I love shopping. I love bringing home new things. I love taking the tags off. I love looking at my new purchases. I love wearing my new purchases right away (if they’re for me). I love putting new clothes on my toddler. I can’t wait for him to see his new toys/ crayons/ paints.

Hi, my name is Alison and I’m a shopaholic.

BUT, I am an angry shopper.

Specifically, other shoppers make me angry. Furious. Want-to-ram-them-with-a-shopping-cart-kind-of-angry.

This is my stabby face

These people make me want to rage and throw Cheerios at them.

1. Malaysians LOVE Ikea. LOVE. They head there, family in tow, just to browse the massive aisles, sit on the couches of their dream living room, open drawers in their dream bathrooms and stroke the counters in their dream kitchens. They also walk really slowly, hogging the already narrow walkways with their large strollers, two trolleys and they insist on stopping midway while walking because they spot a pretty towel. Me? I know exactly what I need from Ikea. I have a list, I check it off and I make my way to the necessary aisle to get what I need (and it’s freaking far, of course). And the last thing I need IS SOME MUPPET BLOCKING MY WAY.

2. Malls in Malaysia are stories high. Which means escalators galore. Someone tell me, why do you have to STOP RIGHT AT THE BOTTOM OR THE TOP OF THE ESCALATOR? Move along! Do you not know it’s dangerous? That people have no choice but to bump into you because the escalator IS MOVING at all times? GET OUT OF MY WAY!!

3. Ladies in dressing rooms – WHAT ARE YOU DOING IN THERE? Why are you taking so long? Are you taking photos of yourself in each outfit to upload on Facebook to ask for your friends’ opinions as to which top/ skirt/ dress you should buy? Then wait for responses? GTFO!! (that means get the eff out, ahem)

4. Public toilets in malls – just thinking about it makes me want to gag. They’re smelly, wet, toilet paper everywhere and the queues are long. Also, why don’t people flush? And why do people leave bloody used tampons ON TOP OF THE DISPOSAL BIN? The problem with being pregnant and shopping is, a toilet stop is inevitable. Don’t even suggest that I don’t go out for 9 months.

5. Checkout cashiers, please, please, please, stop talking to your co-workers and serve the 15 people waiting to pay. I don’t care if you have no idea what you want for dinner, or whose husband is cheating on whom. Do you not realize I may just abandon this purchase because it’s taking too freaking long???? DO YOUR JOB!!

You may say, Alison, just shop online like normal people. Save yourself some grief and enjoy the delicious anticipation of the UPS/ FedEx/ delivery service of your choice, to show up at your doorstep with your gorgeous purchase.

If I could, I would. Sadly, most of the things I want online are in the US. Which equals high shipping costs, possible taxes and 4-6 weeks wait for delivery. And some brands don’t even ship here. Which makes me very stabby. And angry.

Shopping in person, in malls, is what I’m left with.

So yes, I’m an angry shopper. BITE ME.

Are you an angry shopper? Or a zen one? Or you don’t shop at all? (shock horror!)

Linking up with a great community of writers at yeah write, you should too!