Humor | - Part 2

Shit I Did As A Teenager

June 12, 2012 By Alison

If you are gullible, you would believe me if I told you I was an awesome teenager.

Okay, I was an awesome teenager.

I was in the top class in my year (never mind that I was at the bottom of the top students). I was in the choir. I was active in after school activities, holding some fairly important posts. I played piano. I did my homework. I did not hang out in the school yard with boys (okay I was in an all-girls school, whatevs). I did not smoke. I did not drink.

You can see a ‘but’ coming, don’t you?

Here it is.

I did a lot of stupid shit too.

Most of it involves my friends, who shall remain nameless as I’m sure they’ve cleaned up their acts now, just like I have. Ahem.

There was the birthday dinner in a Thai restaurant. My friend was celebrating her 16th (or was it 17th) birthday, and her parents unwisely allowed us to dine unsupervised.

A decision they surely regret.

Let’s just say the evening ended with mayonnaise prawn on the windows.

There was also the time at a pizza place, when we decided to pretend we didn’t have any money to pay for our meal, and started pulling out coins from our pockets to “see if we have enough”. I will never forget the look of horror on the poor waitress’s face as she watched us count out our measly stash. We nearly got booted out (we did pay in the end).

And who could forget when we decided to pour ketchup into the salt and pepper shakers at this fancy restaurant who foolishly allowed four teenagers to enter their premises.

Then there was the time when a bunch of us were escorted to the manager’s office in a mall for a glass breaking incident. I swear, I wasn’t involved. I was merely a witness. PROMISE.

The doozy to this list of stupid shit I did as a teenager?

It involved an unused condom and the school principal’s car.

I’ll let your imagination run wild here.

Fortunately, I escaped unscathed and went on to grow up to be a decent adult.

Sort of.

read to be read at yeahwrite.me

Filed Under: Humor, Life

Before, After AND After

June 11, 2012 By Alison

Remember the days before children?

Heck, remember the days before child became childREN?

I do.

Here’s what I remember before children, after one child AND after the second one is born.

Showers

Before: Lasted at least 10 minutes. Hair, luxuriously washed and rinsed properly. There’s even time to shave your legs!

After: 5 minutes in and out. Washing hair is a luxury. Legs, hairy.

After/ After: Two minutes for a quick rinse. Legs, if hairy can be hairier, hairier.

Clothes

Before: Freshly laundered and pressed, fairly fashionable outfit that was well thought out in advance.

After: Clean tee and yoga pants. On good days, a cute clean tee and jeans.

After/ After: Is this clean? Does it smell? No? That will do.

Meals

Before: Dinner for two at a restaurant where you can eat at a leisurely pace? Even order dessert? Yes please.

After: You managed to eat a proper meal at least once a day? Pat yourself on the back.

After/ After: Your meal is your toddler’s leftovers. Eaten standing up.

Sleep

Before: 8 hours. Uninterrupted.

After: Maybe 6-7 hours, interrupted frequently. Then toddler sleeps through the night, yay!

After/ After: Sleep? What’s that?

Going Out The Door

Before: Makeup? Check. Nice clothes? Check. Cute shoes? Check. On time? Check.

After: Diaper bag? Check. Oh wait, need diapers. Wet wipes? Argh, need new pack. Snacks? Water? Check. Phew. Shit, where are my keys?

After/ After: Who has time to go out? Alternatively: Diaper bag with everything? Double check. Children all dressed and ready to go? Check. Yay! Except that took 2 hours because someone always needs to go to the potty/ has a diaper blowout just as you head out the front door.

Happiness

Before: The joy of being one half of a couple. Yes.

After: The joy of being a mother for the first time. Oh my heart.

After/ After: Love, multiplied.

I am clean (somewhat) wearing (somewhat) clean clothes and I do eat (sort of) and get some sleep (kind of). It’s all good. PS: Don’t ask about my legs.

Confess: what do you miss about before?

Filed Under: Humor, Motherhood

Toys Bore Me And I Watch Blue’s Clues

June 8, 2012 By Alison

I know. Toys would be boring to an adult. It’s not designed for us, duh.

But, we have to interact with them (and I don’t mean ‘disappearing’ that obnoxious noisy toy your well-meaning parents gave to your child). When I sit down to play with my toddler, I find myself wishing his toys could speak (yeah I may have watched Toy Story a few days ago), because gee whiz, after 5 minutes, I’m wondering why HE isn’t bored with them.

Which makes me a really bad play mate. I find my attention wandering, eyes glazing over, while my mind frantically works out a blog post to write about boring toys.

And all this time, my mouth is saying meaningless things like, wow, look at that amazing thing you built with your wooden blocks. Or, yes, let’s push your Caterpillar truck up and down the corridor for the next 20 minutes while Mama’s mind numbs over.

Completely unrelated, I find myself watching Blue’s Clues long after the toddler has lost interest (he’s over there playing with blocks, again).

And I wonder why of all the characters in Blue’s Clues, why is Blue the only one who doesn’t speak? (OK, Magenta, the other dog character doesn’t either but she doesn’t appear much). If Periwinkle the Cat can, why not Blue? If the side table can, why not Blue? If the postbox can, why not Blue? Heck, the salt and pepper shakers can (Mr Salt and Mrs Pepper to you!), why not Blue?

WHY ON EARTH DO I THINK SO MUCH ABOUT THIS DAMN SHOW??

Do toys bore you? What children’s show do you secretly watch?

I realize it’s not Saturday yet (which is when Kimberly’s linky opens), far from it for some of you. But whatevs. I love Kimberly, I want to link up, but I don’t blog on weekends, so there.

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