May to August of this year was hard.
It was also joyful, scary, beautiful, fun, frustrating, full of laughter and tears, and a huge learning curve.
I shared a lot of the good stuff here.
Not so much the not-so-good times.
I was tired, angry, frustrated, and at times, at my wit’s end.
There was yelling. There was screaming. There were tears. There were tantrums. There were timeouts.
Yeah, the toddler had a couple of those too.
The fatigue made me feel foggy most days.
It also made me impatient.
Which meant every little thing made me angry.
The toddler trying to hit his brother on the head. The toddler pulling on the baby’s legs while he was nursing. The toddler jumping up and down and talking loudly while the baby was trying to sleep. The toddler pulling me along to do things when my hands were full. The toddler not cooperating when I needed him to nap-oh-god-please-nap.
I reacted by snapping. By threatening timeouts. By not smiling. By not being fun.
I wasn’t nice to be around.
Which is no wonder that my son, my heart, was having a challenging time.
I had forgotten that his life had been turned upside down. At the tender age of 2.
I took things he did, personally. I was, “Why are you doing this to me? Why are you being belligerent? Why won’t you listen? Why don’t you understand??”
We were having a hard time. A very hard time.
He retreated to his grandparents home, where he’d been going almost every day since he was a baby.
It was probably a relief for him to be there.
There he stayed for a couple of weeks, while I regrouped.
I had time to think, room to breathe.
And I realized this ….
My son, it’s not you, it’s me.
Source: pinwords.com via Alison on Pinterest
You didn’t do this to me. You didn’t choose to have all that you know, changed. You had no idea, just as I didn’t, how different life would be.
I’m 36, and it was hard for me. You’re just 2 and something. So little.
I could have chosen to act differently.
I could have chosen patience, smiles, said yes, gave you more time, more of me.
I could have given more hugs and I love yous.
I could have seen that you did not mean to anger me, you just wanted (and needed) attention.
I could have ignored the messes and the minor inconveniences.
I can’t turn back time though. I can’t take away those three months.
I can however, learn from it. And I am (although yes, a work-in-progress still).
The past few weeks have seen such a turnaround in the both of us. Calmer, happier, smilier.
I’ve also learned that you’re forgiving, adaptable and resilient, my not-so-baby-boy.
I’m so glad we’ve kissed and made up.
What has your child taught you lately?
Linking with Shell of Things I Can’t Say for Pour Your Heart Out.
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Ouch, that must have been hard to not only endure, but to admit. You’re a good mom to always be evaluating and reworking your parenting plan.
Julie ‘s last awesome post..State of the Uterus Address – Week 15 #iPPP
Funnily, it as harder to endure than it was to admit. When I realized this, it was like a lightbulb moment. So, yeah, duh.
Twitter: tatterscoops
says:
Alison, this post brought tears to my eyes because I remember how horrible I was back when I just had my son. I was all that and worst. You are an awesome mother and I’m sure your handsome son realize that and he loves you regardless. Changes can be so tough on everyone young and old. So happy to know things are getting better.
Maureen ‘s last awesome post..New Home
Does he know? I hope so. I really do.
Totally different situations but our lives were in a state of upheaval this summer and I feel a bit like you do. I feel that I haven’t been my best and am trying to make a new start of it. I’ve definitely learned that it’s not him it’s me.
Julia ‘s last awesome post..At 22 Months
It’s a good thing it’s never too late to start over!
Mothering is a total work in progress….and babe, now that you’ve kind of figured this part out, something new will take it’s place and you’ll have to figure that out…
But guess what? So is everybody else…
You’re in good company
Not a Perfect Mom ‘s last awesome post..The Worst Mommy Ever
Thank goodness
Twitter: LauraORourke
says:
My heart is now breaking for my not-so-baby boy. And yours. But of course this all makes me think about my boy and what he’s been going through.
I think my heart would probably break into a million pieces for him if I also didn’t see how much Cameron loves having a baby brother. This afternoon, as he woke up from his nap in a fussy mood, he wandered into the living room, whining, and then saw Gavin. “Oh!” he said cheerfully. “Hi Gavin!”. It was nice to see how much Gavin brightened up his day.
I hope, so much, that these changes are more positive than negative for everyone in my family.
Laura @ Mommy Miracles ‘s last awesome post..Brunch: It is On!
Thankfully, Monkey DOES love the Scrumplet. They both light up at the sight of each other, it’s adorable really.
I was right there with you, for a long time. And not because of baby #2, which surely makes all that so much more difficult. (Which is why I’m anxious.) It was just me not coping well.
But the beauty of this is that you got some support when you needed it and you’re able to see the situation with new perspective. He did some of those things because his needs weren’t all being met, but here’s the thing – yours weren’t either. And isn’t that freeing? To know that you can take a deep breath and acknowledge the frustration and anger because you know it’s a hard part of the transition?
Hugs to you, my friend. I’m glad things are better. I’m always grateful when you share these kinds of things, and I hope you know I’m always here if you need someone to talk to in the moment (and I understand all this – I do).
Robin | Farewell, Stranger ‘s last awesome post..Time Will Tell
Thank you – for getting this. And for being there. You’re a good friend!
Good for you for re-grouping. I have to do that sometimes too. You know, a lot.
xoxoxo
Elaine A. ‘s last awesome post..The Ladybug Dress
It’s good to know I’m not alone.
xo
We’ve all had periods of time like that. I always pray that they won’t remember. What has my child taught me? That when you have a dream, never let anything get in your way. Not even a life-threatening illness.
AnnMarie ‘s last awesome post..Essence of Now: Tommy
I hope he remembers that I tried. I really hope he does.
Alison, so brave to write this all out. We’ve all had our moments. Thanks for sharing your not-so-good stuff too. I went through a spell like this after matilda was born. What can you do but learn from the rough patches? I’m happy that you’ve kissed and made-up. And your toddler is looking older these days!
Sarah @sundayspill ‘s last awesome post..10 projects to take our home from dull to dream
A huge lesson indeed. Yes. And he does look all grown up yes? Sigh.
I went through this too, with each child’s birth a bit. It’s hard, but we also learn so much from what we go through. You’re a good mom, and he loves you.
Kimberly ‘s last awesome post..The Monster Within
Sometimes, I’m not sure about the good mom part. But thank you. xo
This was really heartfelt. I hope to learn from your experience when the time comes when we have another little one. Thanks for putting this out there.
Serenely ‘s last awesome post..So how did we first meet?
Thanks for reading!
I love this,post. I had those days as well, especially with my youngest. Most of the times, I shout, I get angry, and most of the time I ask her to just leave me for a few minutes. One thing my youngest taught me is that, after every apology, I should understand her as well because she is just a pre-schooler.
Na. Teresa Grech Q. Racal ‘s last awesome post..Mommy Find: Artzooka Kit
I’m sorry you can relate, but I’m glad you liked the post.
Aw, Alison, thank you for telling about the not-so-great times too. It is hard when they are both so little!! I’m glad things are better now.
xo
Runnermom-jen ‘s last awesome post..Photos, Photos, Photos
Thanks Jen, I’m glad too!
if i told you my eyes are filled with tears, would you laugh at me? Gosh girl, I know how this feels all too well. and 14 years ago, vanessa was not even two when her little sister came along, and 3 years ago damian was barely 14 months when his littlest sibling came along and i still did not know better the 2nd time around with the 2nd set of toddlers. the first 3 months of both cycles was very hard. oh so very hard. and i too could not take them back and sometimes i look back and hate myself for not smiling enough, for having someone else take care of my toddler while i took care of the baby just because i really, at that moment, did not have the patience for the antics. at least the 2nd time around, i was more present and had more people to pass Natasha to so I could give damian some much needed attention. but the 2nd time around, though i didn’t show him my anger when he yanked Tash off the bed or when he sat on her head, i did not show forgiveness either, i just passed him to daddy or to an older sister. he forgave me though. vanessa forgave me for passing her to grandma too. i don’t know what it is about the 3 month mark. but both times it got better and less stressful and i could be more attentive. through it all i try to remember, these older siblings didn’t ask for their world to go haywire. but i remember giving vanessa a time out for pulling the basinet and tumbling sabrina to the ground. after that time out she didn’t talk to me for days. just wanted her grandma. it gets easier girlfriend. i promise you. then they’re both toddlers and making you bloody crazy together and you can threaten them both equally with time outs and no one feels ignored cause the other one is in trouble too.
Vanita ‘s last awesome post..Here’s How To Rank In Google For Halloween
by the way, that little man is gorgeous.
You, tears in your eyes? NO!
I’m sorry you had to go through that crap, but boy am I glad I’m not alone in this. And thank you, he is kinda cute!
This post had me crying. I have so been there. I remember when C was born I was terrible to B. I kept playing the blame game with him, my sweet two year old. So glad you were able to regroup and refocus! I had to get some serious help at the time, due to having the baby blues–but it seems like you have it under control yourself! Good for you Mama!
Jessica ‘s last awesome post..Tug Of War
I’m glad you got help. I don’t have the blues. I was just coping poorly. Nothing to blame but myself and sleep deprivation!
Oh, sweet lady. I’ve spent so many days saying things like this. I could not feel closer to you or relate to this post more.
You’ve had so many things going on, especially balancing life with baby and toddler. My baby/toddler and toddler/preschooler are still creating new challenges for my hubs and me.
But when life syncs. When things come together and my two children laugh together and play together, I just melt inside.
Kristi ‘s last awesome post..When The Lights Go Out-A Poem
Thank you Kristi, for understanding. And yes, when they’re together and playing nice, it makes all the bad stuff go away. And thankfully, my boys adore each other.
I’m in tears right now. I remember those days. I even got mad at my son for getting in the way of the baby cart. Mothers are not perfect. They don’t have to be. They have bad days and bad moments and they make mistakes. But you realize it and you admit it and you do your very best. And that is the best you can do.
And that my friend, makes you an awesome mother. Thank you for sharing your heart. xo
Mirjam ‘s last awesome post..Delight
You always make me feel better. Thank you. xo
Beautiful post. Serves as a good reminder to me, that they are just wee ones, and they don’t realize why I’m upset about things, etc. Thank you for the reminder. Beautiful writing.
Jen@Living a Listful{l} Life ‘s last awesome post..The process.
Thank you, Jen.
Such a great post to your son. Those first few months were hell for me too, but they are so adaptable. It amazes me how well my toddler handled things when I didn’t/couldn’t.
I think they’re designed that way!
How many times have I acted just like that in the last three months?! It’s so hard to be patient when you have two children needing your attention at the same time. I don’t know how many times I’ve internally asked forgiveness for flipping my lid over something dumb like refusing to put on shoes or refusing to eat what’s on the table. It sounds like you did exactly what you needed to do.
One day I realized that the yelling had to stop-from all sides. I took T aside, told her how much I love her and apologized for being so grumpy. Then I told her I was going to try to stop yelling, but that I also needed her to listen and behave. I can’t say things have been perfect, but they’ve gotten SO much better since then. I’m so glad you found a way to get the smiles back in your house to.
Leslie ‘s last awesome post..Fickle Fall
I’m glad you’ve worked things out on your end!
I like that you sometimes share the not-so-great stuff here sometimes, too. Because that is motherhood. It is all emotions – the joy and the love mixed with the frustration and the anger and doubt and worry – all balled-up into one jumbled, complicated, beautiful, awesome package. Everybady has moments and periods of time when adjusting and coping just come harder. Sometimes the smiles aren’t there and time together seems short because we are stretching ourselves too thin, but we are resilient and so are our children. We come together again and are stronger for the challenges. So glad to hear that things are better for you and your family.
Kim@Co-Pilot Mom ‘s last awesome post..Making Our Mark: 10 Complaints About My Home
Yes, I like to think we are stronger for it. I really hope so.
Twitter: SusannaLHill
says:
I don’t know why this particular lesson is so hard to learn – it should be so obvious! – but I struggled with exactly the same thing after my second was born. As parents. we’re always learning. The best we can do is try to be better today than we were yesterday, and always love our little ones and make sure they know it. And it’s kind of a relief when you finally realize, duh, this is what I should be doing! Your kids are lucky to have a loving and wonderful mom.
I did think, duh, when I realized this. I like that – to be better tomorrow than we were today and yesterday. Yes. this.
Twitter: fiercedivablog
says:
I had a rough time too with my kids this summer – and I don’t have babies! I was out of my mind some of the time – and didn’t know how to ask for help.
Now that I am 8 years into the mom thing, I am finally beginning to understand – on a cellular level – that it is not them but it is me. Sure, rationally, I have known this for ages, but now, I am finally beginning to fell it. Wise, post. Gorgeous writing. What a beautiful love letter to you son. xo
ilene ‘s last awesome post..Hooky
Thank you, Ilene. I’m sorry you had a rough time. I hope it’s better for you now!
Hugs Alison. I know that moment, of looking at your oldest and thinking, “Oh geez, you are still a baby yourself. Why am I expecting you to handle this when I’m barely afloat??” I’m so happy you have a support system who helped you and Monkey get back to your happy place.
I’m lucky. WE are lucky.
Twitter: KalleyC
says:
This post made me cry (hormones). This is such a beautiful letter to your son. It’s really something that I am going to try to remember when this little guy comes along. Just like your son, my daughter’s world will be turned upside down, and she didn’t have a choice in it. Exhaustion won’t be my best friend, but this post will help me to remember to be mindful.
KalleyC ‘s last awesome post..It’s The Thought That Counts
Being mindful. Yes. I have to remind myself still.
What an honest post…so true my friend! I know exactly how you feel…and this post definitely puts it in perspective. Our older boys didn’t choose this…so we should be more understanding b/c their whole world has been turned upside down.
Natalie ‘s last awesome post..Beautiful Baby Boy
We have to be mindful always, yes?
oh how this post got under my skin! I went through a very similar time with my kids a few months ago. Mothers lose control sometimes too, and it can take us weeks or months to get it back. Things always get better. We’re smiling more here now too, though I needed a brief period with anti-depressants to get here, and everyone is more cooperative and less belligerent. Sometimes it rains, but the sun always comes back out!
BonnyBard ‘s last awesome post..Only hot, young, guys need apply
Yes, we have to remember that the sun always shines. It just hides behind clouds sometimes. Glad things are better on your end!
This post totally resonated with me and definitely is something that I still struggle with. It’s not my kids but it’s often me – the crap that I’m going through or how I choose to respond to a situation. But how do you explain that to your kids? Mothering is hard and especially in these transition periods when you are managing and juggling two amazing little people who both need you intensely and in different ways. It’s a constant work in progress. My kids definitely show me the generosity of their spirit and forgiveness constantly. PS – Monkey looks like such a kid now!
Christine @ Love, Life, Surf ‘s last awesome post..What I learned at FitBloggin’
Thank goodness for their generosity of spirit right? I think this will be something we have to work through a lot. It’s part of the whole package, isn’t it?
You’re a good mom. Every now and then we need our own time-outs, don’t we?
Tonya ‘s last awesome post..Dear Bobo
Yes, yes we do!
Those first three months are so, so tough. I lost my patience with my oldest, and there is nearly a three year difference. All she wanted was my undivided attention. She would act up just to get it. When she acts up now, I try to take a step back and regroup. This still resonates with me. I need to take more mommy timeouts.
Jenny ‘s last awesome post..Now what….
We definitely need timeouts too. It’s official.
Oh this makes me cry. I’m about to enter into this time that you have just gone through and I am worried so much about these days.
But we are all human. We have our moments when we are not perfect and not doing all that we could. And even if those moments last longer than we want, they do pass.
So glad to hear that your past few weeks have turned around. You are an amazing mama. Don’t doubt that for a minute.
Tricia ‘s last awesome post..Fall-ing in love
Tricia, you’re going to rock this. But if days don’t go as well as you’d hoped? Don’t be too hard on yourself. As you said, we’re only human. Sometimes, it’s so easy to forget that.
Change is huge for the entire family.
Your boy knows how much you love him. There is nothing wrong with what you did. You needed to breathe. You needed to take care of you so that you could take care of him. Both of them. And that makes you a fantastic mother.
It really does.
xoxo
Kimberly ‘s last awesome post..We Will Just Overlook The Obvious
*sniff* Thank you my friend. For everything. xo
This is exactly what I’ve been learning. They are little people, I ‘m the adult. I need to have patience and understanding.
But I also need to recognize when I need some time and take it. When I do, I come back better. You know?
I applaud you for admitting this and putting it out there. Most have been tough.
Carolyn ‘s last awesome post..Please Be My Friend!
It wasn’t as tough as actually going through those 3 months. Admitting this is freeing.
Oh I remember being there, right there were you are now. It is an ugly place to visit and an even uglier place to revisit. The good moments pulled me through: n°1 giving her doll to her baby sister ‘because she hasn’t got one mommy!’ or sitting next to her and telling her what the book is all about or fetching the fork babysister dropped over and over and over and over again… Those moments made it all worth while.
Tinne from Tantrums and Tomatoes ‘s last awesome post..The best baked potatoes…ever
Which is why I scramble to take pictures when the toddler does anything nice with the baby!
It is SO hard that adjustment after a new baby, and with the lack of sleep. I am still working on remembering that my kids aren’t “doing this to me”. I’m glad to hear that things have been better for you!
christine ‘s last awesome post..Dreams, Birthdays, and Going Home
Lack of sleep is the main culprit.
I didn’t read the other comments but I can honestly say that I’ve worn those same shoes and had to have the soles replaced. I made a lot of life changes though and things got easier. As long as you want the change andwandwork at it, it will come…not overnight but it will come.
Keep at it! You’re a wonderful mama!!
Kristen ‘s last awesome post..Great Expectations with G*funk*ified
Oh do I want and need change. It’s so hard though. But we will power through it!
Twitter: MommyNaniBooboo
says:
This was also such a hard transition for us… I too was guilty of the same things. I’m so glad things seem to be getting better. The first three months for us were a roller coaster. Be easy on yourself… and your family. You guys are an amazing unit.
Meatball is now almost a year old and his big brother is good at “helping” and being “gentle” and “patient”. I am now too.
Jenni Chiu ‘s last awesome post..The Five Dollar Bill
I’m sorry it was hard for you too – but I’m glad I’m not alone in this, and it gets better.
(I love Meatball’s nickname!)
I’m glad you two have kissed and made up. Hopefully it’s easier for you in the future.
Jessica ‘s last awesome post..Our Weekend As Santa Cruz Slugs
I sure hope so!
I’m glad that things are turning around. Adding a new baby to a family is a huge adjustment for everyone!
Shell ‘s last awesome post..Pour Your Heart Out: Seeing a Difference
It is! Fortunately, the baby himself is taking it all in stride.
Transitions are so tough when there are kids involved, for sure. I’m glad that there was the retreat option at the grandparents – it’s sometimes necessary as a parent to regroup when it’s needed. Glad things are going better.
Mommy needs a timeout, right?
Twitter: CourtneyKirklnd
says:
I am always so amazed by how resilient our kids are. And I commend you for opening up and being honest about the adjustment period that comes after adding to the family. I worry about ending up in that same rut with my oldest. I think it’s a natural instinct BECAUSE they are older. Even if “older” only means by a few years. Hang in there!
Courtney Kirkland ‘s last awesome post..Which Plate Will Drop?
Despite best intentions, we fail sometimes. But that’s okay. As long as we know and we intend to be better. I know you will rock this second time motherhood!
Twitter: themommymess
says:
*tears* Is is crazy that as I’m reading this post, he looks so very grown up in these pictures? SO glad you’re getting things cleared in your head. I hate feeling like that. And you know what sucks, it is almost always US that’s the problem. At least we can admit it. Kids are evidence of God’s grace. Mine forgive every day. (((HUGS)))
adrienne ‘s last awesome post..I remember.
That we know it’s us, means we can fix it. And I’m grateful for that every day. Thank you for the hug, always welcomed and needed.
Oh that is so very hard. Being a mom is tough and even though we know our kids aren’t trying to act up on purpose (hopefully!), it’s hard when you’re tired and have to be 110% responsible for them and for yourself. It’s exhausting. I’m glad you got a break and had some time to reflect and recharge. Thank goodness kids are forgiving!
Rach (DonutsMama) ‘s last awesome post..Autumn Hopes
Yes, thank goodness!
Twitter: aSquishyMonster
says:
The fact that you dedicate this blog to sharing your experiences and that you make a concerted effort to be the best mama possible makes me have faith–I know too many dead beat parents that don’t have any consideration for their small children who are tentatively taking their first small steps into the world–you’re doing an amazing job!
The Squishy Monster ‘s last awesome post..Welcoming the Weekend
Thank you so much for your kind words.
Twitter: christinetj
says:
OMG ! I can totally imagine how hard your life handling a toddler and a baby at the same time. I am now taking care of my first newborn and realized that there are so much things to do as a Mom!
Now that I have a toddler, I can tell you with confidence that a newborn is easier to look after
We’re all so human, and by telling our truths, we gain the strength of community.
Right here with you, my dear A.
Alexandra ‘s last awesome post..It’s Never Too Late To Get Involved
And I am grateful for that borrowed strength!
Twitter: ashleytaylor76
says:
Thank you for sharing how it actually was. It was brave and it was honest and what you said here is real. People will relate and nod and totally understand. We have all been there in some form or fashion, and it is really, really hard. Glad it is getting easier. And even if it gets hard again, we will understand that, too.
thedoseofreality ‘s last awesome post..For the Love Of God…Use the Backdoor
Thank you Ashley. What will I do without blogging?
I love these pictures; so cute!
Oh, Alison. Don’t beat yourself up for it. This is a difficult transitional time for you both and you’re still learning. And I think the lesson learned? Seems to shed light on the the road it took to get there.
XOXO and I wish you both many happy makeup hugs and kisses.
Charlotte ‘s last awesome post..Oktoberfest in Jersey–hold the schnitzel
Aw, thank you Charlotte. This motherhood thing really kicks me in the ass sometimes. Which is more reason I need hugs and kisses from my little ones.
I read this knowing that you are one of the BEST MOMS I know. I will tell you that HERE because I say it to your face (over a chat or a text) all the time. YOU ARE.
but I know how this situation really hurt, really set you back and I hope you know that through it I never lost respect or love for you, you were doing for your family and for your own health and sanity ,what you needed to do and so was Toddler.
Parenting is hard work, there are no books, there is no map that looks the same for everyone…there is no “way it will be done” that is the same . I have twins and it’s not even close to the same with them, how could it be for a newborn and a TODDLER that is so cute, I can’t stop smiling at his pictures?
You’re brave for sharing this, you’re amazing for choosing love and for doing your best to show us that it’s not all sunshine and rainbows. BUT THAT”S OK, my friend.
So glad he is home…and both of you are smiling.
LOVE YOU>
xo
Kir ‘s last awesome post..WOE:Haiku Friday: Daydreaming in Hot Pink
Thanks for making me cry, my Goose. Love you too. xo
Twitter: krrobi
says:
—Mama A,
Your raw truth helps others know they are not alone in the world of Motherhood.
I love it! I love that you don’t hold back…Xxx
you are an awesome mama.
My Inner Chick ‘s last awesome post..Gaga, Madonna, Bitches, & Goths
Thank you Kim. Writers like you inspire me to be a little braver in my writing. xo
I understand… completely and wholly. My two year old has really been testing me lately as well. And I hate it when we have bad days. I started reading about discipline and I have found some good resources that help us learn how to deal with those little people. Check out Conscious Discipline technique (http://consciousdiscipline.com/about/conscious_discipline_for_parents.asp and the book Easy to Love, Difficult to Discipline). I can’t tell you how much life has changed since I started using some of these techniques!
And if you don’t feel up for that, just know that you’re not alone.
Alexa ‘s last awesome post..Book Review: Making Children Mind without Losing Yours by Kevin Leman
Thank you Alexa, I’ll check on those!
I know these feelings so well.
I think the worst part is the self-loathing, after the anger is gone.
It’s been hard. Very, very hard.
Hang on to him, to you, to the baby.
It will get better.
Natalie @MamaTrack ‘s last awesome post..Essence of Now (September 28, 2012)
Thank you Natalie. For getting it. For getting me.
Lovely, girl.
Why?
Because the learning and regrouping and changing and loving – is so what it’s all about!
Galit Breen ‘s last awesome post..A Tiffany Tween Room
Yes, yes it is. xo
I’d be tired too!
Blond Duck ‘s last awesome post..Chapters